To become is to be American, or so Einstein said. He said it as though it were a bad thing, saying (and I quote) that, "The American lives even more for his goals, for the future, than the European. Life for him is always about becoming, never being." Whereas a month ago I would have snorted at this quote (despite it being the great Einstein and all), I am starting to believe it.
I suppose I have been simply considering what has occurred in the last year of my life. I became someone new. Someone f r e s h. Someone that I enjoy knowing. It's crazy to think that I was that girl not too long ago that hated everything about herself and where she was headed. Now I am chill. I relax. When I want or need change I do something about it. I strive to push myself most of the time. And I definitely make sure I strive only for what I am inspired by. I keep the non-inspiration out of my life. I don't PANIC and I don't feel crazy anymore either. Teran's like an anchor, and I sometimes daydream horror-filled thoughts of where I would be without him. In all honesty, I'm starting to think that I don't need anyone but him. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in being number one in his world that I forget I'm not number one in anyone else's...
I've been learning about the ego, lately, too. There's a book that some of us have been passing around. It's called A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckheart Tolle. It's pretty intriguing. How our ego's control our lives is mind boggling--from the things we convince ourselves are OK, to the way we allow ourselves to go. We let our ego do anything--puff ourselves up to be better than someone, or relish in the torture of agony selfishly. It's all the same thing. All the same. A person who begs for attention is no worse than he who hides in a corner with his pain, hating life in secrecy.
One subject I often think about is Lexi. Not that I'll ever, ever be friends with her again, and not that I feel sorry for ending my friendship with her at all. It's just I remember that she and I started out the summer of last year with similar hopes and dreams and fears. And at first it seemed like she was (I don't know how to word this), doing better than me at life. I must have been viewing it as a competition, but this only began after I thought I'd lost. Well, long story short is she tried to take shortcuts, and while that works short-term it doesn't often work long-term. And that's what's sad. We all just want the same things. I wish her the best of luck, but I'm glad that I took my path. My relationship with Teran is still great....
I'm not so sure about other relationships, but then I'm not sure I care anymore. No one else seems to feel like investing much time in me. I need to make friends here in California, that's for damn sure.
I'm turning 20 this upcoming Sunday on the 24th. I'm so not excited. I hope everyone forgets. I don't think I'm getting old, I just don't want to hear the obligatory "Happy Birthday" because someone saw an update on Facebook. Besides, I work that day. And 20 is useless anyway.
I think I might miss being a teen...I will tell when I reach there.
OverAndOut,
elizabeth
“I've always thought respectable people scoundrels, and I look anxiously at my face every morning for signs of my becoming a scoundrel.”
